There’s no doubt about it, I’ve finally got to admit that I’ve put on a bit of weight during a languid series of Lockdowns.
I would also add that it has latterly occurred to me that, as a household, maybe we should have introduced our own series of Lockdowns - starting with the biscuit barrel. By the way, a Lockdown is now so much part of our lives that it currently qualifies for a capital letter.
Another major problem in my journey towards early onset obesity was the discovery of the therapeutical value contained within a bottle of red wine. Spread liberally over a number of days of course, but not helped by the fact that the distaff side of our partnership barely touches alcohol at all. She often contends that the best thing to come out of a bottle is Fairy Liquid.
In addition to the foregoing, I should add that over the past year most of my clothes seem to have shrunk, which, to say the least, is most unfortunate.
I was in the process of bemoaning my current circumstance to Mrs Allen when she suggested that maybe I needed a service. This quite upset me and I did suggest that surely I wasn’t that far gone and anyway the Vicar was probably not allowed out at the moment. She of course then suggested that what she meant was something more akin to a vehicle service. Like an MOT.
Of course we have been trying to get as many walks in as we can, which makes the ensuing cup of tea and a biscuit most enjoyable and of course fully justified. So more exercise should be the answer, longer and brisker walks or even jogging.
You probably won’t remember, but I wrote in an article some years ago about how I had resolved to give up salt but had compensated by using more pepper and then heared on the radio how pepper was not good for you either. Well, I was luxuriating in bed this morning listening to the news and contemplating how I could enhance my exercise regime. I needed to do something and I certainly wasn’t going to take it lying down - well actually I was – when I heard a feature that intoned how exercise was not a very efficient way of losing weight!
Holy Moses! Did that mean that there was no point in my increasing my exercise routine? Blast, what a nuisance!
So, apparently, dieting is the answer for me. But what sort of a diet? High carb? Low carb? Vegan? Dukan (yes Dukan)? There are so many diets. There’s even a diet which relies on a low intake of crustaceans – it’s called a ‘low crab’ diet.
It seems that the best path towards a suitable pension for a well-known person is for them to create their own ‘Celebrity’ diet. There are literally hundreds of them, some going back so far that their author has subsequently died - usually of obesity.
Let’s face it, we all know what the problem is. If the energy which you generate by eating food is greater than the energy that you use by the sheer act of living, then you put on weight. Unsurprisingly, the opposite is also the case.
It gets a bit more complicated of course because as a species evidently we are broken down into two biological types. Ectomorphs, who are naturally lean and long and don’t put on weight easily - and who, incidentally, the rest of us tend to hate - and Endomorphs, who retain fat more easily and who tend to be naturally pear shaped. By way of encouragement, Endomorphs are much more likely to survive during times of famine. That’s food for thought!
“I’m sure my scales are wrong!” is an oft heard cry. But there’s no point in deluding ourselves, it’s normally the user that’s wrong. But why is it all so complicated? There are scales that not only measure your weight but also your body fat. We also have available, various electronic gizmos which you strap to your wrist and which closely maintain your fitness level and check how many miles you’ve walked during the course of the day and which cause so much tension that you probably end up with high blood pressure! Does anyone know the time?
Then of course we have to regularly measure our Body Mass Index (BMI), which is a ratio between our weight and our height. Oh and by the way, it turns out that I need to put on three inches in height.
So there we are, basically all I’ve got to do is reduce my intake of food and alcohol - that’s all there is to it. I’ll start with the food first perhaps, although I fear that there’s a fat chance of my being successful!